Note: Our membership in the AFA (American Federation of Astrologers) is pending. We're working on getting NCGR (National Council for Geocosmic Research) certification, level IV if we can swing it. And our ISAR (International Society for Astrological Research) membership is all but in the bag. Keep your fingers crossed.

For the week of Monday, August 30, 2010:

Aries (March 21—April 19) You may feel disillusioned over the next few days as you continue to attempt to rationalize Napster, but keep trying. I'm sure you're think of something. Taurus (April. 20—May 20) An errant squirt from a ripe grapefruit will short out your CD writer while its drawer is open. You'd be wise to wear rubber-soled shoes. Gemini (May 21—June 21) All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Oops, too late. Cancer (June 22—July 22) Warning: Any attempts to reinstall Windows this week will result in an immense headache. Better to wait until all nine planets are in perfect alignment. Leo (July 23—Aug. 22) Although it will sound like a good idea at the time, defending your low productivity at work will prove to be a catastrophic mistake. Evidently, your boss is not impressed by your efforts to win FreeCell game #11982. Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) The stars warn against editing your Registry unless you do so while wearing a thong.

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23) You know too much of your money is going to Microsoft when you find yourself brushing your teeth with Internet Explorer Toothpaste. Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21) You will face challenges this week. Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21) Whatever you do, resist the temptation to click the Cancel button in any dialog you see for at least the next seven days. Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19) You'll soon find that your efforts to reduce spam will fail miserably when your mother, while rummaging through your email, unwittingly follows the "Click here to be removed from our mailing list" link. Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18) Although you're the only one who thinks so, you are steadfast in your opinion that controlling your mouse with your butt is "the only way to go." Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20) You throw around the term "Blue Screen of Death" entirely too loosely.